A few days later, I decided to take my kids swimming and drove home, still in my swimming suit. Kids ran in the backyard to play and I headed towards the shower when I heard cries and yelling...rushing to my backyard, I see an open rabbit cage...containing no rabbit...because someone thought about walking her on her little leash but lost interest the minute someone else showed up with an Otter Pop. Then it was all about Otters, not Rabbits, and so, she did what rabbits do....she jumped.
Guide to Finding a Lost Rabbit
First, panic...that brings the adrenalin up to a nice crazy level and is contagious. Step in dog poop. Holler at kids to scoop poop because all three of you are running around, trying to catch the little bastard and you see landmines everywhere. Hand children bags. Start scooping. Realize you are the only one doing so. Ask in as calm a way as you can manage what the hell is going on and listen to both of them tell you they a) didn't see any poop and b) they "lost" their bags......
Spot rabbit. Chase her like a maniac. Encourage children to also chase like little maniacs. Agree to let neighbor kids come over to "help". Realize this was a bad move, because this has aroused the curiosity of their father, who is standing at the fence, watching you and your two children transform themselves into Larry, Moe and Curly. Feel face burn because you? are still in your swimming suit....and it ain't pretty. Feel self conscious. Watch neighbor chuckle. Fight 14 year old girl urge to put hands on hips and say something like "oh yeah? so what if I'm in my swim suit, running around? YOU are wearing WHITE knee high socks with your sandals, retard." Don't do this. Take high road because you are a grown up. Suck in stomach and wonder why the fashion gurus ever got rid of swimming dresses, because THOSE WOULD BE NICE TO BRING BACK INTO STYLE.
Realize chickens are out and are beginning to go a little chicken crazy. Use dog as excuse to run back into house, because, as you tell your kids, the dog could catch the rabbit and eat her...even though the dog hasn't even moved since this comedy of errors began...
Stand on the safe side and watch as four kids try to lure her out from under deck with carrots and treats. Call husband in panic. Listen as he explains she'll 'probably come back' but if not, 'lesson learned' and try to change subject. Realize rabbit will come out when she is good and ready and no amount of carrots will work. Try to convince kids of this....fail.
The next morning, get phone call...rabbit has been captured by neighbors!!!...decide this calls for your specialty "thank you for running amok in YOUR backyard trying to get this little fucker, I really appreciate you not making a stew out of her" cupcakes because the look on your daughters face upon hearing the news is worth the effort.
Truly the best chocolate cupcakes, EVER. They are made from scratch, with the best chocolate and real deal butter cream...admire your work.
Decide to take these to neighbors NOW or you will eat them all within a very short amount of time. Collect children, walk to first house. Notice door has been recently painted and isn't quite dry, so doors are ajar. Ring bell. Wait. Wait. Wait. Watch in horror as pack of dogs come charging. Hurl yourself in front of children from werewolf midget, who has just lunged at your cupcake packing 6 year old. While your back is turned, the owner comes to the door, trying to settle down her army of canines that includes the most obese pug you have ever seen. Turn around to greet her and deliver box of deliciousness. Feel head jerk back as you recoil because she is wearing more headgear than you have EVER seen and you simply weren't expecting it because the last time you saw headgear on a peer was in high school...think of Joan Cusack's character from Sixteen Candles. Wonder if you should ask her if anyone ever says they look alike. Decide against it. But this broad is in her forties and covered in metal...and to top it off, she has a very thick accent so you can't understand a damn word she's saying, what with a million mouse traps circling her skull and attached to every tooth in her head. Nod head, smile, feel like a jerk because you were NOT suave about the headgear discovery. Feel werewolf nipping at ankle. Fight urge to kick it. Watch in horror as she squishes cupcake box because she is using other hand to keep this idiot from maiming you. Fight control freak urge to grab box, rush home, re-decorate and return. Have NO idea what they hell she is saying, just nod and start slowly backing away, thanking her again profusely for helping to rescue your rabbit. Watch her get a confused look on her face. Realize you may have given box of goodness to someone who has no fucking idea what you are talking about but at this point, you just need to go.
Head to next house. Lead the posse, not taking any chances. Prepare self for whatever lies ahead. Get greeted at the door by lovely older woman, who explains it took five adults to finally catch rabbit. Thank her over and over again. Realize introductions haven't been made. Watch her introduce herself to children, and listen as she tells them "I already know your names, I hear your mother yelling them all the time". Start to feel way too hillbilly-ish at this point. You not only are the only house in the neighborhood with a fucking petting zoo in your backyard, you also gave the neighbors a show with your swim suit rabbit dance and now you find out they can hear your dumb ass three houses down, bellowing at your kids. Start to feel like Fred Flintstone when Mr. Slate would yell at him and he would shrink in his chair. Decide now was NOT the time to let your daughter walk around with her joke teeth....
