Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Annie the Rabbit and her Tales of Adventure

We have a rabbit.  A seemingly docile, sweet little furry thing.  However, she has put me in a number of predicaments I do not appreciate.  Last week, my husband and children thought she needed a leash and harness, so they could walk her.  This seemed like a fine idea until I was sent on a journey to drug alley to a place that supposedly specialized in all things rabbit to acquire such an item.  This gem is located on Drug City Way and I am convinced is a front for something illegal.  Like Satrialles for the Soprano team, only with less ambiance and way more stink.  For one thing, if you are going to specialize in something, you should sell that something.  This place had two empty cages and a few mini bales of rabbit hay.  NOTHING ELSE.  The employee looked like she had been sucking on a hookah for 40 years and was intently staring at the gigantic water color painting of a white rabbit...which of course, the irony of THAT little nugget did not escape me.  I held on to my daughters hand tightly, asked about rabbit leashes and got a look that literally said "are you THAT stupid?  obviously, this joint is a cover...go back to PetSmart in the burbs, housewife."  Honestly, I felt like I was the innocent character in a Quintin Tarantino movie...I expected Bruce Willis with his trusty samurai sword to come up from the basement, all bloody from beating the shit out of the gimp. I actually DID find a rabbit harness and leash at PetSmart, where we went and green and just right!  The kids walked her a few nights then like most things, lost interest.

A few days later, I decided to take my kids swimming and drove home, still in my swimming suit.  Kids ran in the backyard to play and I headed towards the shower when I heard cries and yelling...rushing to my backyard, I see an open rabbit cage...containing no rabbit...because someone thought about walking her on her little leash but lost interest the minute someone else showed up with an Otter Pop.  Then it was all about Otters, not Rabbits, and so, she did what rabbits do....she jumped.

So now I give you, the all important...
Guide to Finding a Lost Rabbit

First, panic...that brings the adrenalin up to a nice crazy level and is contagious.  Step in dog poop.  Holler at kids to scoop poop because all three of you are running around, trying to catch the little bastard and you see landmines everywhere.  Hand children bags.  Start scooping.  Realize you are the only one doing so.  Ask in as calm a way as you can manage what the hell is going on and listen to both of them tell you they a) didn't see any poop and b) they "lost" their bags......

Realize one of them has hidden HER bags under toy jeep wheel.  Point this out.  Listen to pleas of innocence and watch shoulders raise in apparent wonderment as to how unused poop bags managed to find a hiding place.

Spot rabbit.  Chase her like a maniac.  Encourage children to also chase like little maniacs.  Agree to let neighbor kids come over to "help".  Realize this was a bad move, because this has aroused the curiosity of their father, who is standing at the fence, watching you and your two children transform themselves into Larry, Moe and Curly.  Feel face burn because you?  are still in your swimming suit....and it ain't pretty.  Feel self conscious.  Watch neighbor chuckle. Fight 14 year old girl urge to put hands on hips and say something like "oh yeah? so what if I'm in my swim suit, running around?  YOU are wearing WHITE  knee high socks with your sandals, retard."  Don't do this. Take high road because you are a grown up.  Suck in stomach and wonder why the fashion gurus ever got rid of swimming dresses, because THOSE WOULD BE NICE TO BRING BACK INTO STYLE.

Realize chickens are out and are beginning to go a little chicken crazy.  Use dog as excuse to run back into house, because, as you tell your kids, the dog could catch the rabbit and eat her...even though the dog hasn't even moved since this comedy of errors began...

Stand on the safe side and watch as four kids try to lure her out from under deck with carrots and treats.  Call husband in panic.  Listen as he explains she'll 'probably come back' but if not, 'lesson learned' and try to change subject. Realize rabbit will come out when she is good and ready and no amount of carrots will work.  Try to convince kids of

The next morning, get phone call...rabbit has been captured by neighbors!!!...decide this calls for your specialty "thank  you for running amok in YOUR backyard trying to get this little fucker, I really appreciate you not making a stew out of her" cupcakes because the look on your daughters face upon hearing the news is worth the effort.

 Truly the best chocolate cupcakes, EVER.  They are made from scratch, with the best chocolate and real deal butter cream...admire your work. 

Decide to take these to neighbors NOW or you will eat them all within a very short amount of time.  Collect children, walk to first house.  Notice door has been recently painted and isn't quite dry, so doors are ajar.  Ring bell.  Wait.  Wait.  Wait.  Watch in horror as pack of dogs come charging.  Hurl yourself in front of children from werewolf midget, who has just lunged at your cupcake packing 6 year old.  While your back is turned, the owner comes to the door, trying to settle down her army of canines that includes the most obese pug you have ever seen.  Turn around to greet her and deliver box of deliciousness.  Feel head jerk back as you  recoil because she is wearing more headgear than you have EVER seen and you simply weren't expecting it because the last time you saw headgear on a peer was in high school...think of Joan Cusack's character from Sixteen Candles.  Wonder if you should ask her if anyone ever says they look alike.  Decide against it.  But this broad is in her forties and covered in metal...and to top it off, she has a very thick accent so you can't understand a damn word she's saying, what with a million mouse traps circling her skull and attached to every tooth in her head.  Nod head, smile, feel like a jerk because you were NOT suave about the headgear discovery.  Feel werewolf nipping at ankle.  Fight urge to kick it.  Watch in horror as she squishes cupcake box because she is using other hand to keep this idiot from maiming you.  Fight control freak urge to grab box, rush home, re-decorate and return.  Have NO idea what they hell she is saying, just nod and start slowly backing away, thanking her again profusely for helping to rescue your rabbit.  Watch her get a confused look on her face.  Realize you may have given box of goodness to someone who has no fucking idea what you are talking about but at this point, you just need to go.

Head to next house.  Lead the posse, not taking any chances.  Prepare self for whatever lies ahead.  Get greeted at the door by lovely older woman, who explains it took five adults to finally catch rabbit.  Thank her over and over again.  Realize introductions haven't been made.  Watch her introduce herself to children, and listen as she tells them "I already know your names, I hear your mother yelling them all the time".  Start to feel way too hillbilly-ish at this point.  You not only are the only house in the neighborhood with a fucking petting zoo in your backyard, you also gave the neighbors a show with your swim suit rabbit dance and now you find out they can hear your dumb ass three houses down, bellowing at your kids.  Start to feel like Fred Flintstone when Mr. Slate would yell at him and he would shrink in his chair. Decide now was NOT the time to let your daughter walk around with her joke teeth....
Come home, determined to start anew...lecture kids on importance of rabbit leash and not letting her out of her cage because you are NOT going through this again.  Watch them absorb about 10 percent of what you are saying and wander off to play.  Look outside and realize the chickens seem to be attempting some sort of alliance with you....

And that?  May have made the entire adventure worth it........


  1. Swim suit rabbit dance, had one hell of a visual. Oh my God, I havent laughed that hard in a long time. Thanks sis.

  2. Wow! What a day! You had me cracking up too! Glad you got your bunny back!