Wednesday, November 3, 2010

My Brilliant "Get Back Some Good Karma" Plan

A few weeks ago, I planned a class party for a bunch of first, second and third graders.  The theme was "friendship" autumn, no Halloween, nothing fallish, just "friendship"...not a whole lot to work with so in my effort to fill the two and a half hour party I suggested having a local children's art teacher come in and give a lesson using oil pastels. She agreed, we set it up and the party was planned. 

The day of the party, I rearranged the tables in the classroom to accommodate all of the children, spent lots of time dividing up oil pastels into little Dixie cups and cut the shit out of my hand, cutting paper to the appropriate size.  Then?  She didn't show up.  Now, trying to find something for 50 (yes, 50!) children to do when your entertainment has just flaked out on you is a bit of a mindfuck.  But somehow, we managed...of course, not without me complaining to the other teachers and fellow party volunteers about what an assbag this person was for flaking out.  Several people pondered the possibility of an emergency, an idea I smashed because I was pissed.  Remember this.  I bitched and moaned and totally disregarded the remote possibility something had happened and assumed she had just screwed me, the kids and left us hanging.  Ok....

Four days later, I get a phone call from this person...a sobbing phone call complete with apologies about why she didn't show up and it involved her then UNCONSCIOUS child.   Pause while you envision the ass of a donkey where my head would normally be.  In all of my years, there are a handful of times where I have truly, utterly felt like a total dick.  This was one of them. more story and I'll bring this all together.....last year, when I was going through one of the worst times of my life (we'll get to that in some other me...Lifetime movies have NOTHING on what I went through the past 18 months...but anyway.....)...whilst going through hell, I decided it would make total sense to feed the all seriousness, I thought it would be a nice thing to do, give my kids a chance to soak in the fact there are kids around here who don't have a home and are, we found a homeless shelter for women and children, found out that on Sundays the kitchen is closed and they needed 85 sack lunches delivered.  This was truly a moving experience for my children, as they delivered these meals to kids their age.  I decided this should be an annual holiday tradition for our family and recently started calling some shelters.  Turns out, with the economy in the hole, rather than a tuna wrap & chocolate chip cookie, the shelters really need cold, hard CASH. 

Like most, we have also been hit by the economy, so writing a check to a shelter that would make a real difference didn't seem doable.  Then, it hit me!  As I was sucking back my iced mocha, thinking about how great it would feel to dress up as a mermaid for next Halloween but then realizing you never see chubby mermaids, what with all the swimming they do and fish they eat...wait, would that make them cannibalish?  Maybe they are vegetarians...ANYWAY....I was just thinking how fun it would be to dress up as something that didn't require a million yards of fabric to cover my chubby body and feeling disappointed about the shelter situation, I heard the words "Chub for Grub" explode in my here's my thought: I would reach out to everyone, make a website ( - no I haven't made it yet, the website address is available so don't steal my cute idea, ok?)  where people could go on and SPONSOR ME....however much per pound...I'm giving myself six months and I'd like to lose 50 pounds.  The idea is once the six months are over, I collect the money from my sponsors via my website and donate every penny to the shelter!  You might be asking yourself why you'd want to sponsor a chubby little housewife lose weight?  Well, knowing it would go to help homeless women and children is your answer...I wouldn't keep any of it because a) I'm not a douche who would take money that is intended for homeless people and b) I NEED TO RE-FILL MY KARMA BANK AFTER THE DEBACLE WITH THE ART TEACHER.  UNDERSTAND??  OK. So that's my idea...of course, the fact that I have eaten approximately 4 pounds of Halloween candy and don't want any thing sweet ever again may possibly be giving me a sense of certain, undeniable future victory and in a week when the candy is gone I may be singing an entirely different tune, but I don't think so....I'm excited, I will be blogging about my 50 pound adventure and hope lots of people recognize the opportunity to help out not only the homeless, but also me.  That's right. Me.  Because if I have LOTS of people paying attention, I will be less likely to blow this off. 

I'd love some feedback, too....stupid, crazy idea? Good idea?  Do you want to do it with me?  Do you have some chub you'd like to exchange for grub?  This could be big if enough people hopped on board. No, not Bill and Melinda Gates buying a trillion malaria vaccinations, but it could make life a little more bearable for some people who would benefit from the kindness of strangers.

And?  I think I would make a REALLY cute mermaid. 


  1. LOVE this idea! Brilliant! And I'd be totally game to participate AND I can whip up a simple website to boot. Send me an email!! :)

  2. If you aim for "mermaid" and end up "dolphin", well that would be great too, right? (you know- stars/moon?)
    I will support you in spirit and $. I may even try to match your efforts, 'cause I love the name and hate my chub!!!
    Weightwatchers does something similar, where they donate a pound of food, for every pound you lose...I could probably feed a village for a day if I ever reached my goal weight!!!

  3. Since my "chub" has been around for decades...I've decided to support YOUR cause!!
    and I quite agree, you would make a positively gorgeous mermaid!!! Queen of the seas!
    If I could feed the world I would start cooking... but, your way is far more practical and self re-warding...
    Hugs to you my dear!.... YOU GO!!

  4. Andrea, how do you pledge? I will support you! However, keep in mind when I come down next month, I am cooking and we're eating well! :-)

  5. To lose weight, one must eat an ounce every hour. No more meals. This works.