Thursday, March 3, 2011

Weight Watchers

As many of you know, I took a big leap of faith and jumped into the weight loss abyss a few months ago.  I had a fabulous idea about collecting pledges for pounds lost and donating the the money to a food bank.  This was such a good idea.  It still is.  I am still working toward the goal, however it is clear my 41 year old metabolism has a very different idea about how long it will take....but that's ok, because after a few months and 11 pounds, I decided to join Weight Watchers. If Jennifer Hudson can do it, so can I!  What about Jenny McCarthy?  I will be the next success story....maybe WW will feature me on their website...there I will be, smiling and happy with a caption "Andrea lost 50 pounds with Weight Watchers...You can, too!  Get Started Today!"  These are the kinds of thoughts that run in and out of my brain...random, inane and based on nothing even close to reality...however, to those of you who may be considering Weight Watchers, I'd like to share with you my experience thus far in an effort to spread my vast knowledge and idiocy....

My Guide to Weight Watchers and the Subsequent Fall out of Doing it All Wrong.

The night before you start, bake a ton of cookies.  Chocolate chip AND peanut butter.  Excuse this because both kids have friends over and you love being the mom who cooks the good stuff....add some sliders and you are golden....these kids will never want to leave your house...bask in the glory when you hear child's friend tell daughter how lucky she is.  Do a head waggle - self back pat combo when no one's looking....

The next day, take daughter and her little friend to cheerleading camp.  Admire / smirk at the teen age girls in super short shorts with UNBELIEVABLE bodies.  Wonder if ANY of them realize how amazing their bodies are because you see a few gals who had figures similar to yours in high school, when you thought you were gargantuan.  At 138 pounds.  Vow that your daughter will appreciate her figure but not obsess about it.  Promise self you will throw away scale so she doesn't think the number has any significance. Again, head-waggle.  You are heading in the right direction with both your diet and mentality.

After dropping them off, head to Weight Watchers meeting.  See someone you know pulling in.  Haul ass as fast as you can away from parking lot.  She doesn't need to know what you're up to.  Circle block.  Talk yourself off the ledge and remind yourself you are a grown up who can face running into someone you barely know at a WW meeting.  Notice she is leaving!  Feel exhilarated because you're a chickenshit who didn't want to do the whole "oh, yeah, time to take off a few pounds...heh heh" conversation with her because she's skinny and you aren't and that equals only one of you talking about losing weight and it's you and that is a big ball of suck.

Park directly in front of meeting.  Keeping head forward, scan eyes from left to right, sort of like a spy.  Make sure no one is looking.  Take a HUGE slurp off your mocha.  Wish you had gone pee before because you are about to weigh.  Register.  Step on scale.  Step off. Get little booklet that shows your starting weight.  Really wish you had gone pee and downed a box of laxatives the night before instead of three cookies.  Have light bulb moment about COMBINING LAXATIVES WITH COOKIE DOUGH.  Decide you are having a flashback to those two days you were bulimic in high school and shake off this brilliant idea as possibly not brilliant.  Although it has all the makings of brilliance.  And stomach cramps.

Meeting has already started.  Find seat in the back.  Listen as woman talks about how she hasn't had a piece of chocolate since April.  Start to wonder what kind of cult you have just joined.  When meeting ends, meet with leader to receive additional booklets and information.  Mind starts to wander.  Listen to him babble about his weight loss and how great he feels.  Tell him about your fundraising his eyes glaze over...know he isn't listening to you because when you are done talking he simply says "hey!  did you get a sample of the cinnamon breakfast bar?  they are REALLY good and you can buy them out front!"

Sit facing each other as he goes over the plan...start daydreaming about your mocha.  Hear words like "so, you have 30 points to work with...but you also get 49 allowance points so you aren't deprived"...try to refocus....hear him talk about "power foods" and the "little green pyramids"...mind still wandering although you are putting on a good show...hear him explain about fruit being "free" and also a "power food".  Thank him for his time, waltz out, drink remainder of mocha and look up points values for chocolate chip cookies (2).  Oh, mocha?  11.  Realize we all have our crosses to bear and yours comes in the form of chocolate, milk and decaf espresso.  With extra whip cream.  And light ice.  But it's nonfat, because you are all about slimming down.

  Give this your full 60% effort.  Skim over reading materials, determine how many activity points you earn by walking for an hour on the treadmill (5)...shove booklets in drawer.

Think about what you've learned from your  half-assed reading and the short conversation with the WW guy.  Start to realize WW is the way to go...with your free green pyramid foods and your 30 points and you 49 allowance points AND the extra five activity points you can add, you will be eating until the cows come home.  The next day, order a caramel drizzle on your whip cream, because if there is one thing you accurately remember Steve or Mel or John or whatever the hell his name was said, was that you shouldn't starve yourself and that the WW wizards want you to make sure you consume your points value every day...You are KILLING this new way of eating...your fingers start to feel a little puffier in the morning but you tell yourself it's because you have abandoned the low carb way of eating and since you have all these points to eat, a huge plate of spaghetti at 10:00 pm really doesn't matter, because it's clearly all scientific and you just need to power through the puffy fingers.

Go to next meeting.  Get on the scale.  You have lost one half of a pound.  You have exercised for over an hour every day and you've lost one half of a pound.  Explain your exercise routine to weight checker who has a name badge announcing she lost 117 pounds in 18 months on WW.  Wonder if she has weird stomach skin.  Start darting eyes to her mid-section to sneak a peek.  Realize she is trying to give you tips but you are kind of obsessed about stomach skin.  Wonder if you ever got a tummy tuck what your belly button would look like, because you have a really good belly button and wouldn't want it messed with.  She's still talking.  You're still in plastic surgery la-la land.

Head home, annoyed.  Dig booklets out of bedside table.  Jennifer Hudson is scream singing her new skinny anthem in that white dress and now she's just bugging the shit out of you, not inspiring you AT ALL.  Re-read information.  Realize your mistake.  You had a choice.  You could eat as many of the free green pyramid foods OR foods totalling your point value.  Not both.  Go on the internet for more research...turns out, it's NOT mandatory to add your activity points to your daily gluttony.  Realize you are an idiot. But now you're an idiot who knows what she's doing.  Which is ALWAYS important.


  1. I miss you! You are too damn funny!!!!

  2. "power through the puffy fingers" The best phrase you have ever written. Good blog, I always enjoy it.

    Keep your head up. Keep writing.