Saturday, July 31, 2010

Introducing, the one, the only, the latest dessert craze: the CAKE BALL!

My step by step guide to the art of balling.  Making balls.  Getting ballsy.  Balling out.  Juggling balls.  You get the idea....

Last month I chatted with a lady who kept talking about her latest discovery, the cake ball.  She went on and on about how delicious they were, how I wouldn't believe it, etc.  And lo and behold, she was right.  I started to tinker around with the idea of various flavors and came up with one that just works for me..the margarita cake ball...pause to drool a little bit....ok, here's what you need to do:

First, assemble your ingredients.  Instead of water in the recipe, use margarita mix.  Add some lime zest and throw in a tablespoon of margarita salt.  Start to feel a little Martha Stewart-y because you are kind of making up your own recipe by adding the salt, which you tell yourself is bordering on genius.

Beat it...dump it.

Bake it and wait....
Watch as daughter wheels around corner with a rabid look in her eye, zeroing in on the beaters...listen to her beg to lick beaters.  Give in.

Watch as son gets wind of your consent to let youngest ingest raw egg cake batter...observe him start to lick batter bowl in a way that tells you he knows you will come to your senses soon, so he needs to squish his entire face in glass bowl.  Hope children don't get salmonella. 

While cake is baking, feel stomach growl.  Scrounge up leftover hamburger patty from last night.  Heat in microwave with some cheese.  Realize you are out of buns or any member of the bread family.  Decide to start Atkins.  Visualize losing 40 pounds before summer is over.  Start to think about all the steak and salad you are going to eat.  Realize those damn chickens might be helpful to your new low carb way of life, what with those eggs you are STILL waiting on...wonder what kind of outfit you will wear when you send in your 'after' shot to the Atkins website.  Spend the next 40 minutes debating with yourself about whether it should be a dress or skinny jeans.....

Once cake is done, dump it into a large bowl and crumble.  Fancy it up by grating some lime zest into it.

Zest like a maniac.  Break zester. Realize with  your shitty memory you will probably never have another one because who would ever remember "oh, I need to pick up a zester" while out shopping.


Make lime butter cream.  Start to think you are onto something and that cake balls just might be your ticket to financial freedom.  Start to brainstorm what your cute little ball store will be called.  Decide Cake Balls of Fire is the name for you.  Envision a cake ball sign that looks like a comet.  Start to get excited because you are old and this?  Is a killer idea.  Feel like you have finally struck it rich, minus the actual money part, because you have come up with a BRILLIANT idea.  Cake balls for everyone. 

Decide this whole Atkins thing is just too unhealthy and that moderation is the key.  Remember everything you've heard about low carb diets causing kidney failure...decide this is a nightmare you don't need, especially if you are going to be a guest on Oprah's Millionaire Moms show talking about your cake ball dynasty.  Make out with rubber spatula containing lime butter cream goodness.

Add butter cream to crumbled cake.  Now the magic really starts....

Squish it......

Ball it....then pop it in the freezer.

Roll your frozen margarita balls in melted white chocolate.  While they are still sticky, sprinkle with lime zest and margarita salt.  Imagine telling Oprah about how it's all about tenacity and creativity.  Wonder if she and Gayle will invite you along when they do another Route 66 show.  Decide you would probably say no because you don't need to be horning in on their friendship and third-wheeling around the country with them when she would probably rather just have you visit her at her house in Hawaii.  Decide your dog and her dogs would also be good friends since they all have a large portion of yellow lab in them.  Wonder if there is a small chance you know way too much about Oprah.  Decide that isn't the case and your vast knowledge of all things Oprah  will only help you get to know your new BFF better and not make you look stalker-y. 

Admire these lovely little bite sized confections of awesomeness.  Eat several.  Realize your eyebrows have been raised for a long time because you have an insane sugar high.  Force them down.  Race upstairs to begin your research on cake balls, because you must verify this is your brain child.

Whimper.  Have enormous sugar crash that does not bode well with the waves of disappointment washing over you.  Kiss your Oprah dreams good-bye.  Realize you keep squeezing your eyes shut and clucking your tongue because of the pure amount of solid sugar coursing through your veins.  Decide that you must have given yourself diabetes by inhaling a dozen cake balls so you REALLY need to cut back on sugar.  And carbs.  Revisit and re-commit to your original Atkins plan because as good as these are, you're pretty sure you have just given yourself 11 cavities from these balls of sugar and won't be able to eat anything remotely sweet ever again.  Until tomorrow.  There's always tomorrow....


  1. You are too funny! I love have TALENT!!!

  2. please take your writing DO have a special something!!
    I'm off to the store to "imagine" my cake ball flavor, and wonder if I can convince my mom they were all "my" idea so she would think I'm brilliant... :*sigh*... nah... I'll share my source... :)
    btw... Atkins gives great results, but when you leave it behind (literally) exponentially end up with 20 extra pounds that climbed aboard "just because"....
    (moderately) indulge in those balls!! they sound delightful!!