Asian Noodle Salad

This is one of my all time favorite salads.  

It's cheap, it's easy and it makes an assload.  Yes, assload is a term.

  I made this for a pool party a few weeks ago to rave reviews.  

My daughter hates it...but she has shitty taste in food so we won't worry about her opinion this time.  

Or the fact that every time I make it she gets a big bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios for dinner.   

Asian Noodle Salad

---1 package linguine, cooked. duh.  Cool it with cold running water.  Don't be a dipshit and just soak it in cold water because then the water will just get warm and the noodles will keep cooking and then it will taste like mush and you'll try to blame me for the fact you made a boner mistake during the noodle cooling process.

---3 different colored bell peppers.  Or the same color.  I like variety.

---3 green onions, chopped pretty fine so people don't get huge hunks of onion when they are inhaling salad.

---1/2 bag baby spinach.  You can get just a bunch of spinach and chop it up, which is what I did today, but it brought me back to my days of slave labor rouging spinach as a child and since I didn't enjoy that flashback, I will be choosing the bagged spinach from now on.  But that's just me.

---4 Persian cucumbers.  I like these because you don't have to peel them, they are crisper (or is it more crisp?) and taste better than regular cucumbers.

---1/2 head Napa cabbage, shredded.

---1/2 head purple cabbage, shredded.

---1/2 bunch cilantro, chopped.

---Handful of bean sprouts

Minus the noodles, it'll look a little like this at the grocery store:

 

You will feel quite healthy buying this. 

To the point you will justify a Slurpee.

Chop up  your vegetables.

Pretty, huh?

Except the purple cabbage.

  It kind of looks like a brain.

Boil & cool your noodles.  

As noodles cook, comfort daughter, who is sobbing. 

Because her brother keeps calling her an "angus burger with fries." 

Don't try to figure this out.  Just don't.

Make your salad dressing:

---1/2 cup soy sauce

---1/2 cup olive oil

---1/2 cup brown sugar

1/4 cup sesame oil

---half of the juice in one of those fake plastic limes.  Or you could use a real lime and squeeze the juice if you're so inclined.  I like the convenience fake fruit provides.

---1 jalapeno.  Or 2.  Not 3.  

---1/2 bunch cilantro

---3 heaping teaspoons of minced ginger from the jar.  I know I bought a ginger root.  Just never you mind.

---3 cloves of garlic or one big teaspoon of the 

crushed garlic from Trader Joes.  

Which you had to do a Where's Waldo thing with 

because your spice drawer is out of control. 

Five points if you spotted it within two seconds.  

  

Put all of this in your blender and liquefy.  This makes a TON of dressing but I'm of the firm belief a salad without enough dressing is about as stupid as fat free mayonnaise or one pat of butter on a stack of pancakes.  Don't be an idiot.  Make. Enough. Dressing.  

Toss your cooked noodles, chopped vegetables and tons of dressing together in the biggest bowl you have.

Serve yourself some deliciousness.  

Sprinkle with sesame seeds and dry roasted peanuts.

 As you enjoy your creation, read daughters suggested chores list and correlated pricing.  

Wonder if the Honey Nut Cheerios people have been putting kiddie crack in their cereal because she's clearly on something if she thinks you're going to pay her $18 a week.  

Enjoy your salad...but eat it with a bib because the combination of vegetable juices and dressing might make you splatter some on your white shirt as you stand over the sink eating it like a ravenous lunatic. 

But that's just a suggestion.