How to Make Fish Tacos

My favorite food group is Mexican...not the hard core, Andrew Zimmern Bizarre Foods type, but pretty much every thing else.  One of my all time favorites are fish tacos.  Every time I mention this to anyone, I usually get a nose wrinkle or the occasional "ew..gross" comment (usually from a child).  When I try to point out that NOT liking them is insane for anyone who likes a) fish and b) tacos, that it's a bit of a match made in taco heaven, people still don't buy it.  I thought a tutorial might help those naysayers understand the beauty that is the FISH TACO.
First, make your sauce:

Equal parts mayo & sour cream, with a few chipotle peppers and the juice of one lime thrown in.  Blend.

Sample.  Mmmmmmmm........

Get the stuff you are going to cram into the little tortilla ready: cabbage, your awesome sauce, cilantro and limes.

3 eggs with salt and pepper, panko bread crumbs and fresh cod cut into chunks.  Take swig of sweet tea you made earlier, prepping for the mess you are about to make.

Get momentarily distracted because husband has allowed chickens to come onto deck to mock you and freak you out while you try to cook.  Hope they mistake chunks of fish for poultry and know you aren't afraid of them.  Don't make eye contact because you ARE afraid of them. 

Give those chunks of fish a nice egg bath...

Pretend you are Paula Deen or Rachael Ray and show off to the dog how well you can do the egg dip AND the bread crumb dip.

Toss those babies in hot peanut oil 'til they are nice and golden brown...put first piece of fish in with fingers instead of tongs and burn the shit out of your thumb.  Remember you have 4 sets of tongs in drawer to your left.  Use them.....

Drain on paper towels.  Again, notice the tongs.

Warm up corn tortilla on cast iron skillet...forget about the tongs because you are still skeeved out at the possibility of those chickens wandering in the house...burn middle finger.

Announce to daughter what is on the menu...take in enthusiastic response of "NOOOO!! That's mean!  I wanted macaroni and cheese" and begin to do that fake cry every mother loves and can't get enough of, especially when she's already wigged out by chickens and is about to plunge her burnt fingers into her ice tea because it's the coldest thing within reach. 

Assemble.  Watch as son devours 6.  Accept there is no way in hell daughter will even try this magical taste treat and give her two pieces of plain fish.  Listen to her announce how "this chicken tastes weird."   

 Come to Mama!!!  Decide that everyone else is crazy, these are awesome and you are a fabulous cook, even if your idiocy will require skin graphs on your fingertips. 

 

Twilight Fever

I have had an ongoing love affair with this series for almost 2 years.  When first introduced, I thought the concept was BEYOND stupid....the kind with two O's.    Then I read it.  Then I started googling phrases like "do vampires REALLY exist?" and "legends of the Volturri" because a) I'm an idiot and b) that Stephenie Meyer knows how to write a very simple, ridiculous story in a way that 4th graders and 40 year old women can equally swoon.  I saw all three movies on opening day and revisit the 4 books occasionally...however, now that the fever has subsided, my common sense is starting to wake me up and it's not a fun awakening. Someone needs to talk some sense into Bella regarding her foolish choices and I've elected myself...Stephenie Meyer, take note:

Edward:  You are 17 and dating a guy who breaks into your house to watch you sleep.  You can't share a big plate of nachos because he's on a disgusting 'special diet',  he lies to you all the time and justifies it by saying he's 'protecting' you, he vanishes and somehow gets his sister to change her email address so you can't even check in with her, scares the shit out of you with his ridiculous driving, FUCKS WITH YOUR CAR SO YOU CAN'T GO SEE A FRIEND??, has admitted to KILLING PEOPLE, has no friends (BAD SIGN), chronologically, he's AN OLD MAN, almost gets your ass killed over and over again AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN HIM NAKED???  That? Is RIDICULOUS.  Now, I know in Breaking Dawn things change but good god, Bella, you're not even getting felt up by his ice cold marble hands in the first three books....the occasional kiss is worth this all bullshit? 

Jacob: Ah, Jacob.  Nice, somewhat normal, only kills human killing vampires, has friends (again, this is important), IS HOTTER THAN VEGAS IN JULY, was your best friend when Edward decided to take off, literally took the shirt off his back (THANK YOU, TAYLOR LAUTNER), when you crashed your motorcycle because you're a bit of a freak who likes to induce hallucinations of your stalker boyfriend and hurt yourself, saved your when you jumped off the cliff AND when Laurent was about to off you.... and you two would make the CUTEST PUPPIES! Also?  I'm pretty sure you could count on a howling good  time between the sheets and not wake up the next morning COVERED IN BRUISES.    Seriously, Bella, did you eat a big plate of crazy?  Surely Forks has some kind of abused girlfriend hotline you can call?  Because you NOT picking Jacob is just nutty.

That said, I CAN'T WAIT for Breaking Dawn.  However, I do have some Edward complaints in that one, too.  First off, if he's so smart (ie can speak all these different languages, has been through high school and college over and over again, plays the piano, etc), how could he NOT figure out he could knock her up if they had sex?  Duh.  All I can say, Bella, is it's a good thing you become a vampire who can't age because straight up, being married to and having a child with a menacing selfish centenarian would age your 17 year old ass FAST. And that's all I have to say about that...except that when I visit my cousin in Aberdeen I might just jaunt up to Forks and do the Twilight Tour because I'm still devoted.  Annoyed, but devoted. 

La Petite Menagerie

As a child, I was never into animals.  Never had anything against them per se, they just weren't my 'thing'...we just didn't click.  When I was 6, my babysitter had an asshole St. Bernard who would chase me from the moment I opened the gate of her backyard until I ran screaming into her living room, where she'd be at the door, waiting with the slider open.  God forbid she'd actually meet me at the gate and put that nuisance in the garage so I wouldn't be in fear of my life on a daily basis in the first grade, but whatever.  When I was 7, my mom took me to the Ponderosa Ranch where we rented horses to ride the trails.  My horse shit itself constantly, walked backwards and almost bucked me over a cliff.  At 9, I got a guinea pig, Cocoa, that chirped incessantly like some sort of  deranged parrot so I was constantly sleep deprived.  In high school, a rottweiler was introduced to our family...Bradley kept me prisoner in my room for days after his arrival.  Seriously.  If it was just he and I, he's sit in front of my bedroom door, growling.  Once I heard him walk away and cautiously opened the door to see if I could make a break for the bathroom and that jackal was chomping at my heels right away.  My mom still thinks it's funny to tell the story of me calling her, crying and in a panic because I was in a mini-Alcatraz and my warden walked on all fours.  Prick.  As an adult, I decided to try the pet thing again.  I got two fish because I read that watching fish was supposed to be really relaxing.  Turns out putting two psychotic goldfish in a fishtank that looks like a gumball machine and watching them maniacally swim in non-stop laps?  Not so relaxing.  I had thrown in the towel until I met my husband, who came with a cat....now, a little about my husband...he grew up on a farm.  I did not.  He is used to animals.  I am not.  We have two children who love animals.  Me? Not so much.  Somehow, in the course of becoming a wife and mother, I have adopted a ridiculous amount of pets.  4 fish, 2 turtles, 3 chickens, 1 rabbit, 2 cats and a dog.  Since I spend so much time with them, I can read their minds.....

Daniel: "Seriously?  You did NOT just jostle my tank to get me to look at you...Jesus H. Christ, what the hell is wrong with you?  I'm a fish.  A boring ass fish at that!  Just keep those damn cats out of this room...believe it or not, I actually DON'T like it when they stick their paws in my water."

Annie, the rabbit:  "What the hell do you want?  You NEVER pay attention to me and you almost gave me a heart attack today when you ran that stupid lawn mower right next to my cage.  Now go away so I can eat this shit in peace."

Lola: "I keep hearing the little one talk about adopting a kitten from your friends Scott and Adina and I swear to all that is holy, I will make that punks life a living HELL if you dare bring another feline into this house."

Spike and Wanda: "Really? Broccoli again?  and did you NOT notice I stepped in a big hunk of those strawberries you like so much THREE DAYS AGO and your lazy ass still hasn't wiped it off?  Do you think I enjoy being hobbled by a piece of fruit?  Also, would it kill you to wipe the strawberry gunk off my head?  How can I be expected to knock shells with Wanda if I look like a fool?"

Bubbles and Hot Dog: "Could you tell your daughter she needs to watch Nemo again and pay attention to the whole 'don't bang on the glass' lesson? We've already started calling her Darla.  Also, your son needs to decide if he wants this light on or off and stick with his decision because really, how would you like it if we flashed a light in your face over and over again??"

Bailey, Chatterly and Dumpling:  "Don't worry, there is no way she'll come any closer.  Our chicken mind tricks have totally worked...she's completely convinced we will fuck her shit UP if she comes near us.  Just look at her with your beady freaky eyes and flap your wings a little, like you're about to fly into her head and watch her scream and run in the house."

Mika: "Look, we both know you don't want me on this counter and occasionally, you stand your ground.  But we also both know I'll just drive you nuts by meowing constantly and because I'm old, you're going to feel sorry for me and turn that faucet on so I can drink out of it. I can wait...."

"How about this? Turn that damn faucet on and allow me to drink fresh, running water, or have black cat hair all over your white down comforter.  Your choice"

Banjovi: "Do you WANT  a fish with multiple personalities?  First I'm Banjo, so I was really getting my southern fish 'tude on, then your wise ass kid decides to call me Bon Jovi and you take it one step further and combine the two. Aren't you the clever one."

Sandy: "I feel ya, sister.  Now lets lay on the couch and share that bag of potato chips you've been hiding from the kids."

There they are.  Oy vey. 

Strawberry Chocolate Chunk Pie

I decided, after years of wondering why in the hell no one ever made strawberry double crust pie to make one myself.  I've obviously tried the 'fresh strawberry pie' with that gross glaze and the giant swirls of whip cream that's not really whip cream...it has the consistency of shaving cream and tastes only a little better.  Anyway, I decided to go for it....

first, berries with an assload of sugar....

second, chop the hell out of that block of dark chocolate that you got while touring Theos' chocolate factory.  Sidenote: am convinced they pipe marijuana through the airvents, because even after the tour where I sampled a bunch of chocolate, I still spent $42 on more because for some odd reason I had the munchies.  Those kind of munchies.  I'm just sayin'...

add a bunch of tapioca and cornstarch because you don't want a big slobbery mess....

Pillsbury pie crust because you aren't an idiot who needs to prove her baking chops by trying to make Martha Stewart's 'perfect pie crust' because she's clearly out of her mind if she thinks it's that easy to make her dumb pie crust recipe.

bake until it looks done....

feed to 9 year old boy who has developed insane appetite and loves absolutely anything with sugar, especially if it comes topped with ice cream. 

Vow to never make invention again because this pie?  Is. Not. Good.  Understand why people stick to blueberry and cherry pie.  Don't understand what happened.  Chocolate is great, strawberries are great...chocolate covered strawberries are awesome. Why can't one put those together in between a lovely crust and have it taste good? It's a question for the ages, I guess. 

Busy Mom

 This is the email I sent to KZOK for their Busy Mom contest...I won! but alas didn't claim my prize because it was too much of a hassle.....
Hi to all -
I just had to write in and tell you all how stinkin' busy I am!
I have two kids, preschool and 2nd grade. I volunteer in both classrooms and am the 'room mom' for one.
I do the bookkeeping for my husbands construction company.
I handle the property management for our three rental properties.
Between both kids I go to three swimming lessons, 1 baseball practice, 1 baseball game, 1 round of bowling, coordinate carpooling for an after school art class, 1 soccer practice and of course, playdates & doctor appts.
We have one dog, two cats, two turtles and three fish.
Now, this may not seem like much but let's just outline what today was like for me:
6am: Get up. Decide I'm too tired to go work out. Go back to sleep.
7am: Get prodded in the eyeball by preschooler who is demanding I turn on Dora the Explorer.
7:05am: My schizophrenic yellow lab, hearing my daughter screaming "backpack, backpack!" at the top of her lungs (in my bed, mind you), now wakes up and rubs cold nose all over my arm, begging me to let her outside.
7:10am: give in to the dog, trudge downstairs, let him out. Feed her breakfast. Back upstairs to wake up 2nd grade boy.
7:15: My inner drill sargeant comes out. Begin telling both children in what should be a terrifying voice that they'd better get up, get dressed, brush their teeth, go to the bathroom, brush their hair, find their shoes, don't forget socks! and come downstairs for breakfast.
7:20: Shower, get self ready.
7:50: Realize children haven't moved. Turn up the inner harpie and repeat everything from the 7:20 speech, only in what I'm sure is an "I mean business" tone. Go downstairs to make scrambled eggs, toast and freshly cut fruit for kids. Go back upstairs because children have decided to mame each other with toothbrushes instead of getting ready for school. Referee fight, begin to shrill. After 25 minutes both are dressed. We are now late for school.
8:30: Take a few minutes to put on my shoes and find cell phone. Smell chocolate and see evidence of it on both childrens faces while noticing dog has a hunk of toast hanging out of her mouth. All three seem to deny the obvious, despite the evidence. Realize can't send kids to school with nothing in their bodies except mnms so toss them each a cheese stick, notice what I'm sure is scrambled egg induced attitude from dog and announce it is time to leave.
8:40: Drop off preschooler. Arrange playdate for same day.
9:00: Drop off 2nd grader. Stay in the classroom to volunteer. Watch son flirt by attempting to talk with butt cheeks. Sigh.
11:00: Go to Costco, Trader Joes and the bank.
12:00: Pick up preschooler & her friend, both of whom are demanding jelly only sandwiches because they've decided to be allergic to peanut butter. Explain the impossibility of this but concede to jelly only. Come home to discover out of jelly. Offer quesadillas which is begrudgingly accepted.
12:45: After feeding both girls lunch and setting up a time consuming art project, begin to clean the house. Do this for at least an hour. Put Spike & Wanda, our turtles, in the bathtub to soak.
2:00: Scoop up after the dog, wondering if those scrambled eggs will make an appearance. Step in it. Try to wash it off but husband has booby-trapped the outdoor faucet so I can't hook up the hose.
2:20: Get call from tenant, asking me why the cable is scrambled on channels not subscribed to that tenants don't pay for. Try to explain the theory behind buying services vs. getting them for free. In a nice way.
2:30: Prepare invoices, reconcile credit card statements, balance check book and solicit new business for husbands construction company. Check email, call husband to remind him to call HIS OWN MOTHER and wish her a happy birthday. Contact local pool to schedule son's birthday party two months in advance. Send out evite.
3:00: Take playmate home. Go to grocery store for jam.
3:50: Pick up son who shows me little envelope containing tooth lost at school. Listen to childrens screaming contest on the ride home. Threaten to get rid of turtles if I hear any more screaming. Listen to them plead to keep turtles.
4:15: Homework time! ...enough said....
4:50: Prepare salmon, broccoli and potatoes for dinner. Listen to whining and watch as food sits, barely touched.
5:20: Take both kids to pool for oldest ones swim lesson. Sit in ridiculously hot pool area for what seems like hours, wrestling with preschooler who wants to stick toe in water. Watch son pick nose and swirl hands in pool water. Try to avoid glares from two lovely older women swimming nearby. Scowl at son, who nods head, clearly understanding my 'look'. Watch him do it again. Avoid eye contact with ladies. Vow to use nasal asprirator on child before next swim lesson.
6:00: While driving home, get gasoline and stop at post office to mail quarterly employee reports that I did yesterday to IRS.
6:30: Start laundry. Listen to kids complain about hunger. Point out lovely meal from previous hour. Daughter announces allergy to broccoli. Son, who has just finished swimming, is ravenous and eats both meals. Daughter debates with me the fine attributes of cheese sticks for dinner.
7:00: Husband comes home and is greeted with cheers by children. Watch him gloat.
7:10: Make husband dinner, clean up after kids. Feed fish.
7:30: Make the dreaded "get ready for bed" announcement...get booed.
7:35: Switch laundry over. Fold.
7:55: Force children upstairs. Supervise as they get ready for bed. Read books, do secret special love snuggle with both.
8:25: Recieve call from friend going through hard time. Laugh and cry with her for an hour.
9:25: Decide to take bath. Trudge upstairs with People magazine. Discover turtles in tub, looking waterlogged. Put them back in their aquarium, decide it's too late to clean out tub in order to take a bath and instead stand on floor vent in attempt to warm feet as heater comes on.
10:00: Watch The Office. Fall asleep at some point.
2:17am: Wake up in a panic, realizing I haven't stuck money under pillow. Trudge downstairs, find money in purse and save the tooth fairy's reputation. Back to sleep.