Saturday, July 3, 2010

La Petite Menagerie

As a child, I was never into animals.  Never had anything against them per se, they just weren't my 'thing'...we just didn't click.  When I was 6, my babysitter had an asshole St. Bernard who would chase me from the moment I opened the gate of her backyard until I ran screaming into her living room, where she'd be at the door, waiting with the slider open.  God forbid she'd actually meet me at the gate and put that nuisance in the garage so I wouldn't be in fear of my life on a daily basis in the first grade, but whatever.  When I was 7, my mom took me to the Ponderosa Ranch where we rented horses to ride the trails.  My horse shit itself constantly, walked backwards and almost bucked me over a cliff.  At 9, I got a guinea pig, Cocoa, that chirped incessantly like some sort of  deranged parrot so I was constantly sleep deprived.  In high school, a rottweiler was introduced to our family...Bradley kept me prisoner in my room for days after his arrival.  Seriously.  If it was just he and I, he's sit in front of my bedroom door, growling.  Once I heard him walk away and cautiously opened the door to see if I could make a break for the bathroom and that jackal was chomping at my heels right away.  My mom still thinks it's funny to tell the story of me calling her, crying and in a panic because I was in a mini-Alcatraz and my warden walked on all fours.  Prick.  As an adult, I decided to try the pet thing again.  I got two fish because I read that watching fish was supposed to be really relaxing.  Turns out putting two psychotic goldfish in a fishtank that looks like a gumball machine and watching them maniacally swim in non-stop laps?  Not so relaxing.  I had thrown in the towel until I met my husband, who came with a, a little about my husband...he grew up on a farm.  I did not.  He is used to animals.  I am not.  We have two children who love animals.  Me? Not so much.  Somehow, in the course of becoming a wife and mother, I have adopted a ridiculous amount of pets.  4 fish, 2 turtles, 3 chickens, 1 rabbit, 2 cats and a dog.  Since I spend so much time with them, I can read their minds.....

Daniel: "Seriously?  You did NOT just jostle my tank to get me to look at you...Jesus H. Christ, what the hell is wrong with you?  I'm a fish.  A boring ass fish at that!  Just keep those damn cats out of this room...believe it or not, I actually DON'T like it when they stick their paws in my water."

Annie, the rabbit:  "What the hell do you want?  You NEVER pay attention to me and you almost gave me a heart attack today when you ran that stupid lawn mower right next to my cage.  Now go away so I can eat this shit in peace."

Lola: "I keep hearing the little one talk about adopting a kitten from your friends Scott and Adina and I swear to all that is holy, I will make that punks life a living HELL if you dare bring another feline into this house."

Spike and Wanda: "Really? Broccoli again?  and did you NOT notice I stepped in a big hunk of those strawberries you like so much THREE DAYS AGO and your lazy ass still hasn't wiped it off?  Do you think I enjoy being hobbled by a piece of fruit?  Also, would it kill you to wipe the strawberry gunk off my head?  How can I be expected to knock shells with Wanda if I look like a fool?"

Bubbles and Hot Dog: "Could you tell your daughter she needs to watch Nemo again and pay attention to the whole 'don't bang on the glass' lesson? We've already started calling her Darla.  Also, your son needs to decide if he wants this light on or off and stick with his decision because really, how would you like it if we flashed a light in your face over and over again??"

Bailey, Chatterly and Dumpling:  "Don't worry, there is no way she'll come any closer.  Our chicken mind tricks have totally worked...she's completely convinced we will fuck her shit UP if she comes near us.  Just look at her with your beady freaky eyes and flap your wings a little, like you're about to fly into her head and watch her scream and run in the house."

Mika: "Look, we both know you don't want me on this counter and occasionally, you stand your ground.  But we also both know I'll just drive you nuts by meowing constantly and because I'm old, you're going to feel sorry for me and turn that faucet on so I can drink out of it. I can wait...."

"How about this? Turn that damn faucet on and allow me to drink fresh, running water, or have black cat hair all over your white down comforter.  Your choice"

Banjovi: "Do you WANT  a fish with multiple personalities?  First I'm Banjo, so I was really getting my southern fish 'tude on, then your wise ass kid decides to call me Bon Jovi and you take it one step further and combine the two. Aren't you the clever one."

Sandy: "I feel ya, sister.  Now lets lay on the couch and share that bag of potato chips you've been hiding from the kids."

There they are.  Oy vey. 

1 comment:

  1. oh my... laughed at this one!! too too funny...and too too true!...YIKES!!