Monday, July 5, 2010

Twilight Fever

I have had an ongoing love affair with this series for almost 2 years.  When first introduced, I thought the concept was BEYOND stupid....the kind with two O's.    Then I read it.  Then I started googling phrases like "do vampires REALLY exist?" and "legends of the Volturri" because a) I'm an idiot and b) that Stephenie Meyer knows how to write a very simple, ridiculous story in a way that 4th graders and 40 year old women can equally swoon.  I saw all three movies on opening day and revisit the 4 books occasionally...however, now that the fever has subsided, my common sense is starting to wake me up and it's not a fun awakening. Someone needs to talk some sense into Bella regarding her foolish choices and I've elected myself...Stephenie Meyer, take note:

Edward:  You are 17 and dating a guy who breaks into your house to watch you sleep.  You can't share a big plate of nachos because he's on a disgusting 'special diet',  he lies to you all the time and justifies it by saying he's 'protecting' you, he vanishes and somehow gets his sister to change her email address so you can't even check in with her, scares the shit out of you with his ridiculous driving, FUCKS WITH YOUR CAR SO YOU CAN'T GO SEE A FRIEND??, has admitted to KILLING PEOPLE, has no friends (BAD SIGN), chronologically, he's AN OLD MAN, almost gets your ass killed over and over again AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN HIM NAKED???  That? Is RIDICULOUS.  Now, I know in Breaking Dawn things change but good god, Bella, you're not even getting felt up by his ice cold marble hands in the first three books....the occasional kiss is worth this all bullshit? 

Jacob: Ah, Jacob.  Nice, somewhat normal, only kills human killing vampires, has friends (again, this is important), IS HOTTER THAN VEGAS IN JULY, was your best friend when Edward decided to take off, literally took the shirt off his back (THANK YOU, TAYLOR LAUTNER), when you crashed your motorcycle because you're a bit of a freak who likes to induce hallucinations of your stalker boyfriend and hurt yourself, saved your when you jumped off the cliff AND when Laurent was about to off you.... and you two would make the CUTEST PUPPIES! Also?  I'm pretty sure you could count on a howling good  time between the sheets and not wake up the next morning COVERED IN BRUISES.    Seriously, Bella, did you eat a big plate of crazy?  Surely Forks has some kind of abused girlfriend hotline you can call?  Because you NOT picking Jacob is just nutty.

That said, I CAN'T WAIT for Breaking Dawn.  However, I do have some Edward complaints in that one, too.  First off, if he's so smart (ie can speak all these different languages, has been through high school and college over and over again, plays the piano, etc), how could he NOT figure out he could knock her up if they had sex?  Duh.  All I can say, Bella, is it's a good thing you become a vampire who can't age because straight up, being married to and having a child with a menacing selfish centenarian would age your 17 year old ass FAST. And that's all I have to say about that...except that when I visit my cousin in Aberdeen I might just jaunt up to Forks and do the Twilight Tour because I'm still devoted.  Annoyed, but devoted. 


  1. yikes...sad role model for the twi-tweens who are obsessed...
    40 yr olds can hold their own... :)
    and as a friends 50+ yr old mother said... "I'd go to jail for Jacob......" (another YIKES)

  2. It's so nice to see you spiritedly taking the world by storm again.....lil cousin Lisa...