Monday, July 12, 2010

Bathtub Theater and the Importance of a Locked Bathroom Door

Since it's July and obviously freezing, it made perfect sense to take a nice hot soak in the tub to cure the chattering teeth and goosebumps.  I picked up a few magazines, filled up my water bottle and told both tv watching children I would be upstairs if they needed me.  I learned lllloooonnnngggg ago NOT to announce I was going to take a bath because a) our tub was clearly designed for midgets and b)  inevitably, I'd have company. In the form of a little girl who would rush in, peel off her clothes the minute she saw what was happening and jump in.  But I learned.  I stopped announcing and started locking the door.  This is key.  I can't stress this simple act enough....Lock. The. Door.  Because it is much easier to dodge a wanna be fellow bather who is pounding and whining on the other side of the door  than one who is standing a foot away looking at the tub like it's some spectacular hot springs and you're just a mean mom who won't share the awesomeness.  So imagine my surprise when, in the midst of soaking with my eyes shut,  in wanders the little miss because I forgot to lock the door.  Eyes lit up.  Pants came down.  Shirt gets  thrown in the air. And just like that, we were two gals in a tub....

Hi Mommy...I want to play mama dolphin and baby dolphin.  I know you're trying to relax but this will be SOOOO much better!  You can even "blog" about it.

 Good bye Us Magazine.  So long peace and serenity.  The time has come...for Bathtub Theater.

Our story begins as two dolphins, a mommy and baby, swim around the lagoon:

Twirly: "Mommy, why are we pink and glittery?"

Pearly: "We are clearly a biological genetic experiment gone awry."

As Pearly and Twirly swim around in the lagoon, they come upon the mean orca (this role will be played by a light blue dolphin because we are IMPROVISING)

Pearly: "Oh, shit.  It's that mean ass orca who's always trying to kill us.  Quick, follow me...we'll get help"

Pearly: "Burley, Hurley!  We need your help!  that awful orca is trying to get us!"

B & H: "No problem...why don't you get out of the water for awhile and we'll see if we can find him"

Twirly: "I'm feeling a little dry and not in a good way..."
Pearly: "Don't worry.  I'm sure those bozos won't keep us on this turtle raft forever...."

B & H: "Never fear ladies, we have captured him and have sentenced him to hard time on shampoo bottle island. You are free to roam the seas again"

Pearly: "That's great, because we need to practice our backwards tail walking thing if we ever HOPE to have the people from SeaWorld look our way.... we need to NAIL this move..."

Pearly: "It doesn't matter that it says Soap Box on it and smells like almond.  I'm sure those assholes from BP are behind THIS oil spill, too!"

The End.

Join us for the next episode of Bathtub Theater when the mermaid gets attacked by the Jellyfish Poufy:

And that? 
Is why it is so important to lock the bathroom door.  

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