Sunday, July 18, 2010

How to Survive the Traveling Carnival

Today is Sunday, which in our family, occasionally means we may go on a family outing.  Today's adventure took us to a traveling carnival and all I can say is I'm glad we made it out alive....because I may need this for future therapy sessions, I am documenting my experience.........

Guide to the Traveling Carnival

First, you want a memento of the occasion.  Spot photo booth that sells giant photo buttons for $8.  Decide this is a bargain and force family to sit in uncomfortable position while Carney #1 takes digital photo.  Remember  but don't mention you have digital camera in purse and could have asked anyone to snap your photo because this will just piss your husband off.  Realize  you've been staring at Carney #1's teeth for too long because you have a thing about teeth and can't get past wondering how she can eat that giant elephant ear with teeth that look like they've been scribbled with burnt sienna crayons...wouldn't it hurt??  Realize you are staring and awkwardly avert eyes to canvas ceiling.  Pretend her mouth is a solar eclipse that is dangerous to look at because you don't want to offend her by staring anymore and you know if your eyes wander anywhere close to the proximity of her head, you will not be able to pull them away from the train wreck that is her pie hole. 

Next, spend $16 so whole family can "race" the cars assigned to skee ball type game.  Win stuffed animal that looks like a cross between a lizard and a fish that undoubtedly cost two cents to make.  Wonder what the animal is supposed to be because daughter thinks it's a ladybug.

Head toward ticket booth.  Notice older lady dragging oxygen tank behind. Decide that if you ever get stuck on oxygen, you are going to put that tank in a stroller because what if you were dragging it and didn't notice it got unplugged? Then you needed mouth to mouth and the only person who could help you had fucked up teeth and then you'd give yourself a stroke seeing that come at you so you figure better safe than sorry. Also, strollers have cup holders and storage underneath so you could have somewhere to put your giant photo button.

Divvy up tickets.  Send first born and husband on a ride you overhear Carney # 2 say has "been actin' up lately". Wonder how you will catch 90 pound child if he is hurled through space because there are a lot of cords circling the ride and if you trip, then you're both S.O.L.

Take daughter to giant pink slide.  Hope Carney #3 who is helping her at the top of the slide doesn't  have prison record.  Wonder how much these carnivals make because surely they make enough to fix signs that make them look incompetent?? 

Yes, the last line reads: "Childern must not be carried".  Childern.  Not children, but childern.  Feel confidence soar in the folks running this gig.  Decide you're committed and head to Ferris wheel.  Totally kill daughters fun because she wants to rock it to and fro and it says "Danger, Do Not Rock Seat" everywhere you look.  Point this out to her.  Listen to her talk about how fun it would be if we fell out because then we could get casts on our broken legs and people could write on them.  Start to panic a little because you are so squished in this thing you start to wonder if Carney #4 (another fella who could REALLY use a dentist) is going to be able to unhook the metal trap that is cutting off the circulation in your thighs....and she keeps rocking this fucking thing just enough to freak you out but not enough for it to be obvious, so if you lose it and get mad, she can deny she's trying to rock it.  But you KNOW she is.

Survive.  Meet up with husband and son.  Send daughter and husband to bumper cars.  Take son to BB gun game where he attempts to shoot out the little red star on the tiny piece of paper.  Carney #5 is  very muscular, blond, good looking and friendly. Flirt a little.  Watch son whiz through the 2 tries you paid for.  Watch as Carney #5 insists on giving son a million extra bb's as well as pointers. Flirt a little more.    He has recognized son is left handed and  is very encouraging.  Get an odd feeling when you realize several other potential customers have wandered by and he hasn't even attempted to carnival bark them into his lair.  Start to wonder if he is a member of some white power group sent to this rural carnival under the guise of "BB gun carney guy"to recruit new members because he is zoning in on your blond headed, blue eyed boy like he's the prize winning trout at a fishing derby.  Stop flirting, say thank you and leave.  Notice he has all of his teeth and they are white.  Nod to yourself because this is proof your suspicions were RIGHT ON THE MONEY.

As you head out, see a food booth selling deep fried Snickers bars.  Decide the carnival life is for you.  Minus the bad spelling and klan member because that?  would KILL your sugar buzz.


  1. ok...all MY fears rolled into one morning at the Carnival...
    YOU, Andrea.... are a total hoot.

  2. I was cracking up while reading this! It is sooo true!